Guy advice needed...
so, in september i met a guy,the full story (link under repair)
He does not live in jhb, and this is starting to become a bit of an issue for me. He doesnt really realise it, and i know he is also a busy guy with his job and stuff, but i only see him once a month.. and i dont think that is enough time .. really, okay, i know that i speak to him daily over the phone, and maybe im just being a demanding girl, but, there are stuff that you can only talk about when you with the person, face-to-face, not over a bad vodacom line ... And when he does come to Jhb, there is always a million stuff to get done in the 2/3 days that he is here, and if he is here for work, thats even less free time, and how much can you discuss in the 5 hours that you have...
before i go off on an irrelevant tangent, this is my big issue..
Ineed to know what his intentions towards me /us are? if he sees this relationship going anywhere? and if yes, is it in the general direction to an altar anytime in this decade? or before i turn 30.. by then he will be 38, and thats too long...
the thing is, I have never really had a serious, long-term boyfriend, and i dont want one for 1/2/3 years on end, and after all the jerks taht i have been set-up with the last 2 years, he is the most compatible guy that i have met, and i just need to know what his story is before i fall crazy, stupid in love with him and get myself hurt ... (if im not in love with him already)
so, my question to you guys is: is there a specific time that i am supposed to wait before i ask him? and do i do it over the phone or sms, or do i wait for his next visit.. see, i was pysching myself up to ask him this coming wknd, cos he was supposed to come to jhb, but now he has some work to do, and may only be able to come the following weekend.. by that weekend, it will be five months since we've met, so, should i ask him then? or do I wait till six months..
i dont know, im very confused, some of my friends advised me to ask him over the phone, but, i think it would be better in person, because i can then see his facial expression (look of horror/surprise) but then if its a bad answer I dont know how i will react...
in any case, please , any comment on this matter will be much appreciated..
12 comments:
Ok- this is what i think - five months now,yu like him, you speak to the guy often, so i say ask him flat out- but this has to be face to face- no sms nonsense - thats the worst- its a cardinal sin to break up or ask someone out over sms- phone calls are acceptable, but just barely.
this stuff isnt supposed to be complicated- guy likes girl, girl likes guy- get a room :)- aah - i wish it was that simple( since you read my blog i'm sure you realised that its anything but for yours truly.
ok - here's the tough part - geography is such a bitch and long distance hardly ever and let me stress this EVER works out- so if you and him are comfortable with only seeing each other for five hours a month then hey, take a plunge- but as ted says in 'How I met YOur Mother 'Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college'
well- you know where to find me if you want any more inconsequential advice
Mjad: thanks,as horrible as its going to be, cosd im really stressing out about this whole thing, im gonna take ur advice, and wait for him to come to jhb so that we can have a chat face to face... as for the relationship being easy bit- dont worry, its not only you, i dont think any relationship is ever easy, i sometimes wonder how people actually just find omeone and get married within 3 months of meeting? if only that would happen for all of us.. And you really watch alot of TV hey, have never seen How i met your mother, but will be sure to check it out soon.. thanks again for advice!!
take it from me... ask the guy, straight out... you like him and seems to be perfect for u, and vice versa so ask him... just tell him "listening im just wondering where do u think our relationship will go/end?"... dont use lines like "when i see u i see a future" kinda cliched and itll probably scare him off...
i think u should sit down and talk to him about it and come to an agreement if not marriage such as "we'l take it slow etc"...
5 months is kinda short if u hardly seeing him though... but up to you... :)
was going to leave a comment ydy, but didnt want to b the first to offer advice u wanted from the guys :-) i agree with junaid & saf- just ask him. at least you know where u stand then, and can either start preparing or move on. why stress for another month or more in a state of angst wondering and stressing?
g'luck!
If Allah deems it good for you, then may it work out. Ameen.
Oh boy... my 2cents worth...
The common things women don't notice... Despite hours of burning up the fone line... What is he not saying? Does he make references to the future?
IS he emotionally unavailable? If he is emotionally unavailable, i.e you're not sure if u mean anything to him u can:
1. bide time and don't be such a girl by stressing abt the future.
2. Decide exactly how u going to approach the topic without scaring him, that means no getting upset with whatever he says , even if its not summing u want to hear. Guys generally don't know how to deal when the waterworks start, so be clear and no cry'y stuff.
Emotionally unavailable men are usually trying to fig out what they're doing, where they're heading and generally don't want to be rushed into anything. Nothing's gonna scare a guy off more than the whole 'i wanna get serious' talk. So be real about things and reassure him that there's no pressure.
Women get all starry eye'd within the first couple o months , swooning over the guy, bragging to our buds, always making too much time for him and giving him more attention. Man is a hunter... being too available and doing all the thinking ahead... may cause him to lose interest.
Long distance sux. Lack of one on one, real-life, contact puts alot of pressure on both people. Sometimes it takes sacrifices and alot of patience. All men are different. If you've been talking to him alot about himself, You should by now be able to gauge what u think his reaction process will, so go with that, formulate a game plan with a back door so u can pacify the situation, if u need to, without turning it into a disaster. At the end of the day, don't create craters u can't deal with.
YOUR female panic and thought process is such... u are wanting emotional security. u dont see him, you're offering as much of your time - which is ur life packaged into lil bits and pieces that you're investing in this rel, u need some sort of commitment when you're on your side of the world without him, watching movies alone, spending sat nights without him.
You may need to consider that 5 months is not a long time... so mention the crux of it being a committed relationship. And if possible, no marriage talk until you have a sense of emotional security.
Good Luck :)
After thought:
Don't marry because you think you're running out of time,
Don't have children because you think your genes are superior
wow, this must be what my fiance feels like - i live 600km away from me. the distance issues have been almost exactly the same.
for what it's worth, my advice is to do it face to face, mostly cos you can tell alot from body language, expression, etc. Plus if it goes well, it shall result in much making out ;-)
by the way, my fiance asked me about all that stuff over the phone...think it went something like "so are you going to marry me at some point? i need to know so i can make arrangements to change universities and stuff" it worked out well :-D
Good luck.
and be brave - you make make an unexpected and fortunate discovery
oops i mean 600km away from her :-D
if you love him . . . set him free . . .. if he comes back to you . . . he is yours . . . if he dosent . . . he was never meant to be . . .
marry for respect . . . not love . . . i always say that . . .
good luck . . .
fida
puresoul786@yahoo.com
Saf, BA Lady and GUy.. : thanks for the advice, it really helped to put things into perspective for me, and i have also been thining that five months is a short time, i guess im just scared.. no, petrified, from past experience, that if it goes on too long without actual "parameters" being set out, i will get hurt, so, trying to avoid that..
Also, i have a real hard time asking people stuff, anyhting, i even stress about asking for a lift now that im without wheels, so, u can just imagine my state of mind over asking the BIG question! i know, its silly, but, im not too good at rel. crap, let alone one thats 1000km's away!!! As for the getting married in a hurry, like your fiancee GUY, i need to know before i register for my pHD which will porb. be in june, so, maybe i can use the same line LOL ..
Thanks guys..
Sometimes in life you need to make a leap of faith.
Sometimes in life you need to just jump off the mountain and hope to god you can fly.
Sometimes in life you need to discard the rules,if everyone followed all the rules all the time,how boring would that be?
I gess what i'm trying to say is you got to make that gesture,and hey you could come out with your dream guy....or worse he colud say no,which in that case atleat you know where you stand and can move on.
hey babe.. i know im kinda late but i only discovered ur blog today =)
Im goin thru the same thing. finally met someone who isnt an asshole/clingy/psycho/compulsive liar and HE LIVES ON A FREAKIN FARM!!
i dont get to see him very often either and it tends to put strain on the relationship. lucky for me he's stright up an tells me what he wants. i think u need to do the same. just ask him straight out. face to face. he might break your heart but ur better off knowing. ignorance is not bliss!! hope it works out =)
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